Ethan's Flame

I was told before getting pregnant that having a child is like wearing your heart in someone else’s body.  I fully understand what that means now, but struggle with the question of what do you do when your heart stops beating?

The day I left Ethan alone in the hospital room and drove home with an empty baby seat was the day that my heart stopped beating.  It was the first time that I had been separated from the most amazing thing that I had ever created or known in my life.  The best part of me, Ethan, had died.

So how do I continue with no heart?  What do I do when I am a prisoner in a small pitch black room that I can not escape?  How do I resuscitate my heart… I ask God, my father, and my son for strength to carry on.   I look for that small flame of light that to me now means the world.  Ethan is my small flame that can bring light, warmth, and tranquility to an otherwise unbearable world.

Since the day that I found out that I was pregnant I hoped that my child would change the world and bring so much happiness.  But until now I didn’t think that someone so tiny with such a short life would be capable of touching the lives of so many.

As I sat alone in an empty house, an empty bedroom, at what seemed to be one of those dark moments I started to look for help on the computer.  I found many services that helped women cope with the suffering and grief that I was feeling after the death of my son.  I found services that make bears, draw pictures, and take photos.  I started to think, what could I do?  What talent did I have that could bring some light and comfort to other families that were trapped in my hell?  I pondered that question for many days and was not able to find an answer.

During our stay at the hospital a photographer from the “Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep” organization came to take pictures of my sweet Ethan right after he was born.  Those pictures meant the world to me.  I was so thankful for the photographer that donated his time and talents to do this favor for me.  I spent hours staring at the photos, and thinking how lucky I was to have them.  I knew that I needed to help others in their healing process to start my own healing process.

During another heart wrenching afternoon I went back to the computer to try and find some comfort once again.  It was then that I stumbled across a site that made memorial candles.  With Father’s Day right around the corner I knew immediately that I had to have one for my husband and me.  I quickly started to design the candle.  However, I could not wait that long for its arrival.  I spent hour after hour and day after day trying to see if this was something that I could come close to doing.  After much failure and many blown up candles, a miracle happened:  I had my first meager candle with Ethan’s picture on it.  That night when I lit the candle I was amazed by the comfort it brought me.   To see his beautiful picture glow so bright was astounding.  I knew it was then that Ethan really was meant to bring light and strength to many.  I wanted to share his light and story with as many people as I could.

With the help and full support of my ever so amazingly talented husband, Ethan’s Flame was born… To bring strength to the troubled!